Last month I did something wonderful. I stepped foot inside these walls as a worthy individual. Not just someone who was allowed to be there, but as someone who wanted to be there. It had been 10 years since I last was last inside.
There was a long period of time in my life where I was lost, and once you get to that place, it's hard to get out. I have spent many years trying to get out. I like to think that I actually have done very well, considering. I always knew where I wanted to be and the person I was trying to become…and I never lost sight of that. It was just easy to fall short at times. A lot of times, actually. And it was easy to forget about those tiny little details that we need so badly. Prayer. Scriptures. Faith. I still struggle with them, to be honest. But for the first time in my life I am making a conscious effort. And not so I could be worthy to be able to get married, but just for myself because it was important to me. There have been several periods of time where I was worthy, and have even had a recommend in my possession. I just wasn't quite ready and didn't make the temple enough of a priority. And I'll admit it...I was scared. I was scared of accomplishing this goal only to fall short again. How silly it may seem but to be honest…I think it was what I needed. I needed this time to figure myself out. I needed the trials I have faced. I needed to hit rock bottom. I needed to meet the people I met. I needed to make the changes on my own. I needed to want this on my own and in my own time. Even though I probably should have tried a little harder to be a little better sooner, I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be right now, and I am proud of myself for that. It's been a long and hard road, but it's definitely not over. Trials will still come. Sin will still be easy to fall into. Mistakes will be made. And feelings of weakness will overcome me...but I feel stronger now. I have finally had that change of heart that I probably should have had years ago. I am more picky about the friends I chose to let into my life and influence me. I pray more sincerely. I don't skip church to grab pizza. I am more picky about the places I go and who with. I fulfill my calling (visiting teaching could use some work). And I am more picky about the guys I chose to date. I have a lot more to lose, and I'm not going down without a fight. I know the power of Satan all too well. Even though I have come so far, I still have a long way to go. I'm just so grateful for the power of the atonement and that I am able to be forgiven of my sins. It's never too late to make a change. And sometimes it may take 10 years to truly make that change.
I'm so grateful for these two lovely ladies that were able to come with me that night. They have been by my side through some of my hardest times in my life, and I'm so glad they were able to be by my side once again. I wish so many more of you could have been there, because I have some of the best friends in the world and I couldn't have done it without all of your love, support and examples. But unfortunately temple parties aren't realistic and schedules are restricting. I look forward to many more temple trips in the very near future. Join me.
xoxo.
