Three weeks ago, as I stood there in awe watching a band that I had only dreamed of seeing in real life with the man of my dreams holding me tight, he whispered in my ear four little words. Will you marry me? My little heart fluttered, even though it wasn't the real proposal, and he'd playfully said those words before, it all of a sudden felt real and it felt good. Three days later we decided to make it real. We were really going to get married. It's something that we've both been wanting but haven't been able to properly attain, but we finally made the decision to move forward. And I felt good about our decision. And my parents were happy. And I was happy. All I could think about for the next week were dates and photographers and honeymoons. I'd never been so happy. I finally was going to have my own happily ever after and even if our path didn't look the same as everyone else's it was our path and would be eternal.
And then he changed his mind.
And my heart broke. And it's still breaking. Over and over again, even in this very moment. How could he do this? How could everything we've wanted and worked towards for the last year and four months change overnight? My whole life has broken into a millions pieces these last couple weeks. It doesn't feel real. I am in such denial. I have depended a lot on prayer and have read the Book of Mormon everyday since that sad, sad day. Both of which are things I've always really struggled with. And then Sunday morning my sweet little boy told me how much he loved reading the Book of Mormon with me before church and that he loved all the stories in it. He even asked for it as a bedtime story one night. What a sweet, tender answer to some of my most heartfelt prayers. I am so grateful for that.
Sometimes life throws you a curved ball. Or five. I still don't think this is forever. My fingers and toes are crossed. But this is my reality.. And I have to move forward with my life.
What about the house you ask? We haven't crossed that bridge and I'm still holding onto the hope that we won't have to.
xoxo.
Exam Math
6 years ago
5 comments:
I love you. :(
Sorry I keep not calling you back. The last week has been pretty much hell and I haven't talked to anyone. I really wish this wasn't happening. Even though he is inferior to my Devin I still thought you guys were a good match. :(
But regardless, here is what I think. I think if he doesn't know if you're right for him, then you should move on. You need someone that loves you as much as you love them and if it's not Devin then that's okay. Whoever it is, he's out there. And I think as long as you do what's right and stay on the straight and narrow, you'll find that happiness and a person that will see you as an equal partner, not an inferior deterrent that is not quite good enough for them. You deserve that.
I've seen you go through all of your adult relationships, and I can say that with each one, you become a better person and the boys are better every time. So if Devin is not it, I 100% think that the next one will be better. For you, and for Matix. IF you and Devin work out, that's great. But don't sit and think that he was the better half of your relationship because he wasn't. You both made mistakes equally and you shouldn't have been made to feel like you were the cause or at fault for all of it.
And. Regardless of what happens either way, I hope you know that I love you. You're one of my oldest and dearest friends and even though we don't talk every morning anymore, I still love you. And I just really want happiness and love for you. I'm sorry you're having a bad time with this, hope it gets better soon.
xoxo.
PS longest and maybe not the most appropriate blog comment ever? I think yes! haha
I ditto Darci. 100%. You know how I feel on this topic and I just want to say again and again I love my Ash-be. Keep praying and reading sister. It only gets better from there! I have my fingers and toes crossed too for the mere fact that I was giddy excited to be your neighbor and it was fun having you randomly stop by for visits. I selfishly want that back. xoxo.
I ditto Darci. 100%. You know how I feel on this topic. But I want to say again and again how much I love my Ash-be. Keep on praying and reading, it only gets better from there! Can I say that I am crossing my fingers and toes too only on the mere fact that I was selfishly giddy excited to be your neighbor and loved having you randomly stop by for visits. xoxo.
Ashley, I'm sorry to hear this. Even though things will be fine, the hard part is getting to fine. Hope you're doing okay!
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